So my sister thinks I've fallen off the face of the earth...really I haven't...I'm still alive and kicking. I can't say I've been busy, because yesterday I didn't even get out of my pajamas, I've just been preoccupied in my head. Some of you who have known me for awhile know that I've had to battle depression. I developed it while I was on my mission. I was put on anti-depressants for a couple of years. I didn't like how it made me feel, so I got off of them and started feeling MUCH better. And I didn't have a problem for awhile. Well, with how stressful this year has been and with all that has been going on my depression has returned. So I'm back on anti-depressants. I've been on them for two months. The first month and a half I started feeling better, but these last weeks I haven't been feeling so good. It's funny. At work I'm fine. But the minute I get home, it's like this depressive cloud just comes over me and I can't do anything about it. And the weekends are even worse. So I probably just need to go back to my doctor and see if I need a higher dosage. I've been embarrassed to really blog about this because I'm afraid people will judge me and think less of me.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about happiness and what we, ourselves, base our happiness on. I keep on thinking...if only this will happen THEN I'll be happy...or only if that happens THEN I'll be happy. Do we base our happiness on whether or not we are married? If we have kids? If I have so much money in my checking account? etc. What is TRUE happiness? Can we CHOOSE happiness? In order to be happy do we just have to CHANGE our outlook on situations and CHOOSE to see the positive? Happiness is relative.
Saturdays have been the hardest for me. I've found that with depression if I do not have a routine than I have a hard time getting myself to do anything. Since Kevin started working at Walmart he has pretty much worked every Saturday...So I'm by myself from 10-7. And with nothing really pressing that I need to do and no one around me to help me stay busy lately I've had no desire to do anything. Sundays are somewhat easier, with going to choir practice in the morning and going to church in the afternoon...that's somewhat of a schedule and Kevin is off from work. Last Saturday I was somehow able to get myself to the church to attend our neighbor's baptism. I had to take Kevin's mom to Walgreens. And I actually got myself to do the laundry and to clean the house...which has been pretty good. Yesterday I could not get myself to do anything but a couple loads of laundry. I really need to get myself in a routine.
Nursery has been so fun lately. With the start of the new year our three year olds were moved up to Sunbeams. We kept the other kids we had in our class and were given some more kids to compensate for the kids that we lost. The only downside is that we lost our big classroom and are now in a room about the size of our smallest bedroom. One of the kids who was having a really hard time adjusting has now seemed to get what nursery is about and is somewhat enjoying it...at least she's not crying to WHOLE time anymore. So that's good. And it's been soo much fun watching our other kids grow up. They have changed so much since they first came into nursery. They bring so much joy in our lives. It will be a very sad day when we are released. I could just be there forever.
Well, the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. We recorded the game since it was on while we were at church. We came home and watched it (ME - actually watching a football game ALL the way through). Right now we're watching the Ravens vs Steelers game. It looks like Pittsburgh will win. Kevin bought Madden for Wii a little while ago, so we've been playing that.
So anyway, I think that makes up for my lack of posts Diana! Love you!
2 comments:
I, too, suffer from depression. I tried really hard to just be happy but was failing miserably until I finally consented to take medication. I've been on anti-depressants for about 12 years now and life is good. Overall, I'm happy.
Carol once told me that Satan knows he can't tempt me with drugs, alcohol or immorality but he does know my weakness and will use it to his advantage.
It might sound crazy, but give yourself a break! Don't beat yourself up if you stay in your pj's all day or sleep too much. Just don't give up until you find what works for you.
A lot of people suffer from depression, no need to be embarrassed. I would not have known had you not blogged about it. We're always the next door down if you want to come over. . .anytime! Even in your pj's (Paige is in hers most of the time anyway!)
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